Abusive Churches – Two Articles
Posted on April 20th, 2005 in Church, Sarah | 10 Comments »
I was doing a search on confronting Christians who are involved with manipulation and stumbled upon this article this morning. An excerpt:
First, abusive churches have a control-oriented style of leadership. Second, the leaders of such churches often use manipulation to gain complete submission from their members. Third, there is a rigid, legalistic lifestyle involving numerous requirements and minute details for daily life. Fourth, these churches tend to change their names often, especially once they are exposed by the media. Fifth, denouncing other churches is common because they see themselves as superior to all other churches. Sixth, these churches have a persecution complex and view themselves as being persecuted by the world, the media, and other Christian churches. Seventh, abusive churches specifically target young adults between eighteen and twenty-five years of age. The eighth and final mark of abusive churches is the great difficulty members have in getting out of or leaving these churches, a process often marked by social, psychological, or emotional pain.
The author then wrote a follow-up article to show the difference between discerning a good church from an abusive one:
First, does the leadership invite dialogue, advice, evaluation, and questions from outside its immediate circle? Authoritarian pastors are threatened by any diverse opinions whether from inside or outside the group. Group members are discouraged from asking hard questions. The rule is, don’t ask questions and don’t make waves. A healthy pastor welcomes even tough questions, whereas in an unhealthy church disagreement with the pastor is considered disloyalty and is virtually equal to disobeying God. Spiritual language is used to disguise the manipulation that is going on. Questioners are labeled rebellious, insubordinate, and disruptive to the harmony of the body. Attempts are made to shut them down. The only way to succeed is to go along with the agenda, support the leaders, scorn those who disagree.
A book worth reading:
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
(This book was very eye-opening to me – read the whole thing in a day)
Another book by the same author, equally good:
Tired of Trying to Measure Up
10 Responses
Please Help Rescue Ashleigh
Hello, Dinah and I have waged a very unusual battle concerning our daughter Ashleigh and a Church in Royal Oak, MI. In actuality, this battle began August of 2003 less than three months of us beginning to attend Calvary Christian Church. In practicality, it wasn’t until late spring of 2004 we began to realize we had a problem on our hands concerning Ashleigh and Pastor Mark Byers youngest son Justin . Late August 2004, we found ourselves in the middle of a most bizarre confrontation with Pastor Mark Byers, his wife Sharon and their son Justin concerning our daughter Ashleigh.
This has been a excruciating painful time since 30 November 2004, the day Ashleigh moved out under bizarre circumstances as our story describes. Ashleigh didn’t share this past Christmas with any family members or close friends. She has been convinced her entire family is evil. Most of December and into January I studied and considered how to wage this battle. I began to write the first week of January 2005. During the five weeks of recalling and writing our story, I found myself running the gamut with emotions. All of Ashleigh’s family and many close friends have been keeping our family in prayer. Considering the circumstances, it is due to Gods restraint and the prayers of our family and close friends that our story is shared with you. I believe you will understand why as you read it. The thin threads leading us in this battle have been nothing short of amazing. On 8 February 2005, we recieved a call from two ministers in Upper New York State who caught wind of our entaglement with Mark and Sharon Byers. We had never heard of them before and our letter hadn’t been sent out yet. They were very knowledgeable about the Byers and their long history of destroying lives and families. These ministers came to our support and have helped us in ways we never would have expected in this battle. The response we have received from people after reading our story has been unbelievable. Nine days after initially distributing our letter I received a call from Fox2 Detroit television asking if we would be interested in sharing our story. After three weeks of investigative reporting our story was aired the 14th and 15th of March 2005. Fox2 News aired several times a two part report totaling over ten minutes. In Royal Oak, The Daily Tribune printed a three part series March 20,21,22 2005, on their front page. Oakland Press published a story. Type “Ashleigh Stroich” on http://www.search.yahoo.com and you will find a number of interesting links. Sharing our story and struggle has encouraged others, who have been abused by this Pastor and his family, to overcome their fear to come forward. We had no idea how many families this “Pastor” and his church “family” have damaged and destroyed. I pray that our story be used to glorify God and expose the depravity of our human nature. Our story describes natural human tendencies when we fail to submit to God and his ways. Therefore: but for the grace of God go all of us. We thank you for taking time to read our story and consider the content. We look forward to hearing from you.
Please pray that Ashleigh comes to realize and understand she has been deceived and preyed upon.
God bless you with the knowledge of his truth. John and Dinah Stroich.
P.S. As stated in the letter, you are free to distribute and copy our letter to share with anyone. I only ask that you maintain the integrity of the format.
For those receiving this by email I’m told that sending it electronically as an attachment instead of directly will keep it as such.
In addition to the letter are two articles to help understand the topic of manipulation and control.
Also attached is a digital photo of Ashleigh with her Husky pup she left behind named Shasha. The photo was taken September 2004.
Suggestions on doing this better are welcome.
PLEASE REPLY TO [ viktory97@yahoo.com ]
or call John at 586-321-4279
If you did not recieve our 14 pg word doc. attachment to this please send me your regular email address because sending it this way may not work.
good stuff Tom,
i’d put the “Fifth, denouncing other churches is common because they see themselves as superior to all other churches.” in the top article as a numero uno indicator of one being in a cult-like atmosphere. secondly, i’d look for whacked spirituality… if you research the Stroich’s situation with the Byer’s cult in Michigan, you can easily see how strange they are with Mark Byer’s brother Marvin Byers proclaiming Jesus’ immediate return in ’97-98, so they all went to the desert in Israel to be part of the 144,000 who would rule the earth… it’s a good thing they don’t carry tons of kool-aid in Israel or the Byers cult probably wouldn’t have made it back to Michigan. Then there are court records online showing where some David Smith guy had confessed to Byers about using prostitutes back in the early to mid 80′s, but when he felt uneasy about Marvin’s false prophecies ten years later – the Byers violated the decade old confessional to smear him. As they say in Kalamazoo, tithers beware! Weirdest part is the armed posse of elders and deacons carrying concealed weapons during services – if that isn’t paranoid behavior, ain’t no tellin’ what is… Sort of reminds one of the mujaheddin…
I actually called John Stroich, and an elder from the Byer’s church.
Non-denominational churches miss the benefit of having a larger church government to hold an individual church accountable. They want their members to submit, but the elders are in submission to no one but God.
Who are members supposed to appeal to when they are in conflict with the leadership? There is little hope for resolution when both parties believe they are right, and there is no tangible accountability.
This is why ministries like Peacemaker Ministries are necessary. They act a third party “authority” to hold people in a conflict accountable to scripture. I suggested this ministry to both parties.
Sadly, Stroich took this to the media as he said it was the “Achilles heal” of the pastor. Is seeking revenge a godly way to handle this situation? Has Matthew 18 been followed here?
By doing this, the secular media has twisted this situation to poke fun of churches in general. Have you seen the sites where these stories end up? They’re atheistic / witchcraft sites that are looking for stories that make “Christians” look like idiots.
I’m leaving Stroichs post up, but I do not endorse him nor the church nor his daughter Ashleigh. I believe all parties are at a degree of fault here. All have sins to confess.
When parents find themselves in this situation, the best thing they can do is unconditionally love their teenage/adult children. I’d recommend the book “Age of Opportunity” by Paul Tripp.
I pray that this situation is resolved so that God can be glorified.
BTW, I have no problem with people carrying concealed weapons in church.
Interesting,
I grew up in a Baptist church (still there and not compromised its standards, scriptural ones I might add). Calvary Christian Church adheres pretty much to those standards and I certainly would not label it leglaistic or controlling anymore than any well-run company, well-maintained Christian home, or good school. As members of Calvary Christian Church, I can’t count how many, many times my wife and I have been refreshed by the message, the fellowship, and the worship. We’re still being edified and refreshed. My wife has Multiple Sclerosis. She got the diagnosis four years ago and has seen a decline in health. So many of the woman have reached out to her in genuine Christian love, taking her shopping or for prayer or to lunch while I’ve worked. She’s been able to keep singing in the choir and church services are among the high points of her week. The Lord has used Calvary Christian Church and Mark, Sharon and David Byers in a mighty, gracious and wonderful way in our lives for nearly eight years now. The scripture has been opened to us in ways I never thought possible. If Mark Byers is guilty of anything, it is maintaining a standard of Biblical separation and authority once practiced as the norm, but, alas, all too eagerly abandoned in our present seeker-friendly church atmosphere driven by numbers, money, and unscriptural doctrine.
I’ve had disagreements at Calvary, but was never, ever, ever attacked, driven out, sharply criticized, or strongly rebuked. By the way, I was on the church staff for three years, and found the debates I’ve had to be open, respectful, energizing and challenging. The negative press and rumormongering about the church
I’m afraid has not been balanced by the reports of ordinary, non-confrontational people like my wife and I who are just there to plug-in to a church where we can be fed and serve the body of Christ reverently and with Godly fear.
As to the question about firearms, I will tell you in my three years on staff, I recall the topic coming up once as it related to some threats being waged by what appeared to be a street derelict.
But I have never seen a gun or any weapon exposed, brandished, or any such thing at Calvary Christian Church. The unfortunate press coverage that resulted made it sound like we shoot up the ceiling during our ‘wild’ worhsip services.
As to the accusation about Cavalry being a ‘cult’ church: Firstly, one of the absolute hallmarks of a cult is they are resultant of one or more major doctrinal errors of the nature of God. That God has both wrath and mercy, that Jesus Christ was God in the flesh and one-third of the Trinity, and will return again for His church, that we must be born again and live wholly separated unto God, and that The Bible is the inerrant, inspried Word of God; ALL are absolute doctrines of the mainstream Christian faith. It is almost always the distortion or abandonment of one of these key tenets of the faith, that leads to cultism. I would have to say that, if anything, Mark Byers has grown STRONGER in his resolve to adhere to these teachings. Secondly, I’ve had family members in cults, and believe me Calvary just doesn’t qualify. There is a social abnormalcy in cult families. Pastor Mark Byers three sons are some of the most ‘social animals’ I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. There is no clandestine, suspicious nature about them and they all enjoy just talking with other loving Chritians. I know them well and have had professional, and personal dealings with all of them for years now. Our elders adn deacons are straighforward and I never got the impression of some ‘inner circle’ or ‘secret society’, because it just plain does not exist (another cultic symptom)
I’ve watched a lot of fallout over the years between various pastors in various religion and members. Some of it is more on one side that the other. And let me be clear, I’m not posting this to enter the Stroich debate. IT’S NOT MY BUSINESS! I just want to give a personal observation about Calvary through some time-sobered experience from one who tends to be cynical and seeks to be discerning about spiritual matters. So if you’re taking the time to read this, I hope I’m communicating as one who is fairly balanced. Calvary has gotten a bad rap, but then so have a lot of other good churches.
By the way, Calvary is NOT a non-denominational church. We are pentecostal, but not governed by a central authority outside the walls. Funny thing, the church I grew up in also had no outside governing body and they are flourishing. But, like Mark Byers those pastors did often seek counsel of men outside the church who have established themselves in their lives and are respected as wise and prudent counselors. The question of governing hierarchies absolutely must be debated within the context of scripture or it is no debate at all, despite the apparent advantages or disadvantages of one system or the other.
Thanks for your comment, Rod.
I do hope that our readers are discerning and realize that the term “cult” gets thrown around quite readily. It’s a quick reason to give when a person leaves a church, or when they disagree and don’t have the patience to sort something out.
At the same time, church leaders (and any Christian for that matter) who do not “seek counsel” beyond their four walls are on shaky ground. If Calvary is not a non-denomational churches, then the other churches in the denomination should have long ago been asked by both parties to be involved. Seeking counsel is biblical. Shying away from it is not.
It does bother me that Christians would be at such a standstill.
Sadly, people don’t realize the importance of asking a third party to be present in a conflict. Why wouldn’t you want accountability? Why wouldn’t you want a witness? Often times, I have found that people care more about their reputation than they do about resolution. They see Matthew 18 as a recommendation only to be used in some situations or, secretly, even as a roadblock to their agenda.
Sometimes, it is hard to find someone to help. 1 Cor 12 says “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it” – yet it’s easier to say “it’s none of my business” then to get involved with brothers and sisters who are hurting. In the end, abdicating this responsibility to get involved and point people to Matthew 18 and other scripture leads to larger church conflict and hurt.
Actually, Matthew 18 IS a roadblock. It ensures that people slowly move towards excommunication and it forces both parties not only to be accountable, but it provides for a witness. Matthew 18 isn’t just a warm fuzzy “let’s talk”, it’s a process where each step builds upon the previous one. (Though it does afford warm talks that can restore people at step one!) It’s pretty hard to have a trial and excommunicate someone when there are no witnesses to the charges.
I do continue to pray for the Stroich and Byers families. It suffers me to see Christians in conflict, especially when there is young couple stuck in the thick of it. It would be such a tremendous Christian testimony to the world and to other Christians, who knows about this conflict because someone chose to go to the media and the Internet, if this conflict was resolved in a godly way. Again, Peackemaker Ministries would be perfect for this situation.
Hi Sarah, I just ran into this blog accidentally. I remember speaking with you. Thanks for caring.
I would like to respond to concerns with not applying Matt. 18. As stated in our February letter, Dinah and I personally confronted Mark and Sharon Byers on 22 August 2004 for Seven hours. What was the most evil and bizarre meeting of our life was promoted by Mark and Sharon for the next two days at camp as a wonderful meeting with the Stroich’s. We left the church and the Byers on 25 August and I told the Byers to stay away from us and Ashleigh. What Dinah and I witnessed coming from Mark and Sharon Byers during that Seven hour meeting on 22 August, was absolutely demonic. Before God and man I state that Mark and Sharon Byers and their family are very controlled by a demonic spirit. Ashleigh left home 30 Nov. In December 2004, we made several attempts to approach Mark Byers in order to dialog and understand what happened with Ashleigh. One of those attempts was even through Dave Byers, Marks oldest Son, whom I thought I had some rapport with. That backfired. In our letter dated 9 Feb. that was sent to the church I stated “Who’s blood is thicker, the blood of Byers or the blood of Jesus?” That was for all to contemplate but was specifically directed at Dave Byers. I also ‘sensed’ that Mark Byers was listening and directing his Son Dave on the other end. I emphatically and before God can say with a very clear conscience that I exhausted my options to confront Mark Byers with other ministers that knew of Mark Byers. They were not interested because they had confronted Mark in the past and were themselves dealing with families hurt by Mark and Sharon. I have come to realize that Mark Byers will not avail himself to a situation where he feels he may lose ground. Pastor Kirk Gilchrist, now in NY, was Marks Best friend and associate Pastor for 15 yrs. Kirk personally told me that Mark is the best deceiver he has ever dealt with. This is far from an ordinary battle and disagreement. The Byers are not only a cult, but a very dangerous one. Mark and Sharon have raised five children worse than themselves. I shudder to think of the destruction their children are about inflict upon the body of Christ. This is very serious and requires serious attention. This is no time to sit back and wait it out. Evil prevails when good people do nothing but pray and hope for evil to stop.
I have launched a web site that will expose and explain a lot more of what has been covered By Mark Byers over the years. (www.rescueali.com )
After the wedding on 6 Aug., I decided to shut the site down for updates and to take this in a new direction. With grieving over this demonically orchestrated union and busy with a recent trip out of town I have not had time to give the web site the needed attention. I hope to reopen it within a week, two at the longest.
Thank you, John
I’m the mother of Ashleigh Stroich and live with her father John, whom I love very much. We are God fearing parents and our greatest desire is to please our Holy God in all things. I was raised in a God fearing family and had a wonderful example through my own father, as to how to discern between just giving “lip service” vs “living your life so as to be pleasing to the Lord in all things”. As I was present in this conflict with the Byer’s family influence from the very beginning, I would like to state some of my observations. I don’t have a long list of Bible college credentials but as a nurse I do understand behaviour. I take scripture to be the inspired word of God and so let me quote Eph. 6 verses 1&2. Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honour thy father and mother which is the first commandment with promise, that it may be well with thee and thou mayest live long on the earth.
From the very beginning of the the first signs of any interest that the Byer’s son Justin, showed in our daughter Ashleigh, we expressed our cautions both to Justin and to the parents Mark and Sharon Byer’s, as the pastors and wife of the church we had just started attending, Cavary Christian Church. We kept saying what does a 19 and a half year old boy want, with a 16 and a half year old girl. we said from the beginning that no, they couldn’t date because she had 2 years of highschool that she still had to comlete as well as she had already picked out the Christian college that she wished to attend. We knew that the history of the Byer’s brother’s and cousins all married their wives very young. From the very beginning, we started hearing that Pastor Mark says that the Bethesda Christian highschool that she was attending wasn’t Christian enough and that she needed to switch to Rochester Christian high. We also started hearing that college wasn’t necessary for a woman, even though she was planning on a “Christian college”, because a woman’s job was to stay home and have children. Very soon our all “A” student was getting “C” grades and becoming very disrespectful to us, and when I addressed this with both Sharon and Pastor Mark on the phone, I was told to look at what my relationship was with my daughter, because it must be a problem with me as they didn’t have any disrespect issues with Ashleigh. I asked for help in dealing with her attitude of disrespect and anger and they didn’t want to deal with it all. I explained my concern was that this clild had never acted this way before and it just began after meeting their son Justin. I was then told by Mark that I needed to let go, because the kids were going to do what they wanted to do (get married) and that I might win this “battle” but that I wouldn’t win the “war”. This is coming from the “Spiritual Head” of the church that we were attending. He also told me that at the age of 17 she could do want whe wanted to do without our consent and that he had talked to her about that. (Is that giving his blessing to such disobedient behaviour or what?) In a subsequent conversation, in front of 3 other witnesses, he (with a very angry and red face) yelled at me stating again, that we might win this battle but that we would loose the war. At this time he screamed that both my husband and I did not know how to raise kids and this was yelled out, in front of Ashleigh. Where was the loving council and scriptural referrances that he should have been directing to me at that time, if in fact he was giving me “Godly” council. Why wasn’t he quoting Eph. Ch. 6 v.1&2 to Ashleigh as she witnessed this whole scene? I observed once again, the spirit of anger, intimidation and fear that he operated under, as my husband and I had asked the Lord to show us the spirit he operated under. This we had obseved on many occaisions especially since we had begun to ask questions about the ministry. From the very beginning and I mean within weeks of meeting both of my daughters he, the pastor, had decided that she Ashleigh was to be the wife for his younger son. Why wasn’t he encouraging Ashleigh to honor and obey her parents so that she may live a long life? Scripture doesn’t even make the distinction that she is to honour and obey her parents only if they are Christians or only if she agrees with them, does it? In the bottom of her heart she knows that we are not perfect parents but that we believe that the perfect will of God would be shown to her through the parents that God Himself had picked for her. As her natural birth mother, and after 3 miscarriages, and much prayer for another child, she was our second gift from the Lord Himself. Did He make a mistake in giving Ashleigh to us to raise? I think not and thank God for her daily. What a terrible emptiness there is in our family now, as she is councelled to not have anything to do with us. What a blessing our other daughter, Katrina is to us at this time. What pain she also suffers in not being allowed to have a relationship with her sister Ashleigh. Katrina is our first born daughter, who strayed from the Lord for a season, and whom Pasror Mark councelled us to cast her out from our family, for the destruction of her body so that God would save her soul. How deceived we were by that very evil man, who calls himself Pastor Mark Byer’s. Our own familys’ were councelling us that his advice was very wrong and not Godly. We were under his deception ourselves, and understand very well how Ashleigh came under his manipulative authority. But we thank God, that by His Word, grace, love for us, and people that were praying for us, we ourselves came out from under his teaching and that the first thing we did was to meet with our daughter Katrina and repent before God to her and restore her to the family that God gave her to, us. She has been such a blessing to us and we love her very, very much. Is she pefect? Are any of us? He whom is perfect can cast the first stone. We met with many different pastors (aprox. 5 pastors or more whom had delt with Mark in the past) and spent long hours praying and couselling with them to help us confront him but he rejected all their attempts. In attempting to meet with Ashleigh at her work, away from the influence of the Byer’s, 2 weeks after she got married (to which not one member of her very own big extended family, both in Canada and the States was invited to) she told us that she has nothing to say to us. With a very angry red face she told us that she was doing fine. She told us that we have been lied to and deceived and very angrily stated that she is doing just fine. Pray that she will someday understand that she will always be a part of her own, very large, loving Christian family, and that marriage can never take that away from her. We long for the day that she will be restored to us. Pray for protection both physically and spiritally, in this new life that she has chosen or was chosen for her. Dinah
Dear Readers,
I am the pastor of the church that John and Dinah Stroich has been so viciously attacking with their outrageous lies and fictional stories.
It has been incredible to us how John and Dinah leave out hundreds (literally) of the most important facts (such as the fact that John gave his permission for our son to date Ashleigh for one year “with the intention of marriage” [his words, not mine].(Incidently, Ashleigh and our son Justin were married at Calvary, before 250 guests on August 6, 2005, while John sat in a car across the street from our church until the Royal Oak police department made him leave the parking area he was in. Also, another fact is, that after my wife and I met with John and Dinah for the infamous seven hours, the next day they directed Ashleigh to meet with us privately so we could counsel with her with their permission, (which we had never counseled with her up to that point for any reason). The amount of lies, that can be objectively proven, that John has spread is beyond comprehesion.
Their story has been make up from small pieces of truth, then other imaginary information added like a fictional novel.
It needs to be known that Calvary’s leaders have submitted this situation to an internationally known bible teacher and former president of a well known respected bible institute. He met with the parties involved and judged the matter in agreement with Calvary Christian Church’s leaderships conclusions.
Furthermore, it should be noted that the two pastors that John refers to from Upstate New York have both sent us apology letters for being involved.
Our church has been in Royal Oak, Michigan, for over 70 years and I have been the pastor for almost 22 years. Our daily half hour program is on two separate Detroit Christian radio stations, and the messages are from our public services. We have nothing to hide and are grieved that John and Dinah have chosen to walk the unupright path they are on. Pastor Mark
Mark, I was not across the street from the church or even near the church that day and neither was Dinah. My permission to date was not at all permission for you to manipulate us and our daughter as you very well know you have. Pastor Mark Byers, You are a liar, a thief and a destroyer of life and family. The pastors apologized for their involvement, not because they think you are right. Once again Mark you have a way of turning destruction to your favor. You are a very sick person Mark. I have talked to enough people that you have hurt. You do not fool me one bit. Read Malachi 4:5,6. and words of ANGER from Jesus himself, Matthew 15:3-9. Gee, you mean to tell me that Jesus got angry!!! You bet he did, at the very likes of people just like you Mark !!! Yes Mark, I am very angry with you and that is what others and the pastors that apologized did not like. Just like others they also caved in. I have had to ask myself this question concerning them and one in particular. ? What kind of person does it take to be friends with you for 15 yrs??? Someone just like you Mark, someone just like you. How sick and how sad for him and the lot of them. Each protecting one another with your so called anointing or positions. To you, your anointing’s and positions I say the book of Malachi applies directly to the lot of you. And don’t forget to read and personally apply Malachi 2: verses 1-3. John.
John, Dinah and Mark,
Just because I’m a neutral party, my website is not a place for you all to mince words. Please refrain from posting about this situation. Email me privately if you must.
I’m busy at the moment caring for little ones.
I may post later or email you individually. I do want to help in anyway I can. I want this to be settled.