{"id":405,"date":"2005-07-01T23:24:21","date_gmt":"2005-07-02T04:24:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/?p=405"},"modified":"2005-07-01T23:48:31","modified_gmt":"2005-07-02T04:48:31","slug":"fighting-walls","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/2005\/07\/fighting-walls\/","title":{"rendered":"Fighting Walls"},"content":{"rendered":"

misc\/anderson<\/wpgallery>I’m fighting walls right now. Putting them up and tearing them down, piece by piece, at the same time. <\/p>\n

I am looking forward to Tom coming home, but I have been struggling with the thought of him leaving again. <\/p>\n

Part of me wishes I could just put up a wall and not get attached to his being here. Another part of me knows it’s wrong to construct such things. When he’s here, I tend to swing from being super clingy to being distant in my heart because of fear of his leaving. It’s hard to find a balance. Neither extreme is healthy, and both are a nuisance. I get angry with myself over these behaviors. I try my best to enjoy the time I have with him. <\/p>\n

It’s hard to be human. I know all the right answers – that God is sovereign, that employment is a good thing, that Tom enjoys his job \u00e2\u20ac\u201c so few people do! – and I want him to be happy. Paying bills is a good thing. I know and believe that my happiness shouldn’t be rooted in my husband. I know it could be worse. I know that I’m blessed to at least be able to talk to him while he’s gone – thank God for the Internet. I know that I am blessed to have a husband who is faithful.<\/p>\n

Still, it is a struggle. I want to be supportive of his job, yet I want to be together as a family. I want to tell him I miss him, without feeling guilty for distracting him with these words. <\/p>\n

Oh for a country house in the city. <\/p>\n

This week, Becky was cleaning out Tom’s old room and found a card I had once sent to him that had fallen behind the bookshelf. On the front was the Kim Anderson photo of a little boy standing in front of a train. A little girl had her arms around him and was giving him a kiss. We had a long distance relationship, and only got to see each other on rare occasions. I was getting ready to leave to go back home. Inside, I wrote:<\/p>\n

As I was coming here on the train, I was often lost in thought and hoping that you and I would still have “it” : the bond which keeps us together which exists outside of time and circumstances. And, we do! I never doubted its presence, but I had certainly entertained the “what-if’s”. I was so comforted the instant I saw you and I knew were were going to perfectly clique again even after so long… <\/p>\n

I guess that I cannot help but think about leaving, and that every minute that I am not here with you is, in my mind, wasted time. I do not want to leave, nor do I ever want it to end…<\/p>\n

I have a horrible sinking feeling that it will be a long time until I see you again. And it hurts so bad. This week, I remembered what it was like to genuinely laugh and smile. My heart was weightless and I was in love with you, and not just a memory of you… <\/p>\n

I cannot exist as myself, the “me” that I want to be, without you. I belong with you, and I am lost everywhere else<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Well, it’s good to see that nothing has changed.<\/p>\n

Great. Another thunderstorm. Insane thunderstorm, neighborhood fireworks for two hours straight, idiots blasting stereos while racing down our street, and now another storm. I think I have put the kids in bed about ten times tonight. No lie. There goes Thomas\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 and Aiden\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 looks like we’re going for bedtime #11.<\/p>\n

Last year, while Tom was gone, the roof was being redone, and I wasn’t feeling great from being pregnant with Micah and the kids were going through some sort of illness. I asked Mary Judge, my dear friend whose husband was in Iraq for a year, why it is that all these difficulties happen while husbands are away. She said, “it distracts us from missing them, and gives us something to do while they’re gone.” <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

misc\/andersonI’m fighting walls right now. Putting them up and tearing them down, piece by piece, at the same time. I am looking forward to Tom coming home, but I have been struggling with the thought of him leaving again. Part of me wishes I could just put up a wall and not get attached to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/405"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=405"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/405\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=405"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=405"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.glamdring.org\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=405"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}